Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If drinking tequila straight from the bottle is wrong, then I'm the wrongest person at this church service.

   Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   In the words of Mike Tyson, "I am gonna **** this Monday until it loves me"

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year.

   My friend text me a joke, good thing I was pooping when I got it cause I would have pissed myself

   The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.

   My middle finger gets horny every time it sees you.

   I'm so tired of wanting the people who don't want me.

   I should be noticed as a hero, I save lives EVERY DAY...because there are people who need to be shot and I don't shoot them.

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing