Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   I thought period sex was when you dressed up in colonial clothing and got your freak on.

   I'd vote for Darth Vader if I knew he could fix the economy.

   I pick my nose like it's going to make me a sandwich afterward.

   Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself

   I need a safe word to protect myself during masturbation.

   So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he'd just be practicing.

   If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.

   I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car

   hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics

   Just saw Styx at the County Fair....Wow,  if you gave them machine guns they could double as the Euro-Villans  from Die hard....

   So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?

   Sometimes I don't understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!

   Football officially starts its regular Sunday rotation tomorrow. So ladies, if there's anything that you wanna say to your husband, today's the day!

   AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".

   As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.

   Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.

   My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.

   If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.