Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dr. Ruth, the world renowned sex doctor says, dont focus on the sagging, or the belly fat, or the wobbly neck, focus on the sensation after the age of 50.

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Suffering from a bad case of SRH. Sperm Retention Headache!!

   i couldn't ever have sex on the front lawn if there wasn't a pink flamingo present.

   iPhone 5: Still no toothpick :(

   Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...

   I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!

   Why do we say, “good morning” when we wake up? You can't really be sure until noon.

   We all have that one friend we're trying to fatten up for the zombie apocalypse...

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   As far as distractions go ... I like to think I'm a good one.

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   I love when my husband plays terrorist, he knocks down my walls

   the difference between good and great in one word? Bacon...

   I still don't know what Google's "I'm feeling lucky" is about.

   This just in fromm CNN Prophet Mohammed seen eating a BLT on Rye ... More news at 11 back to you Bill

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   They say laughter is the best medicine, and there is no doctors here.

   I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els