Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   GOP strategy last 3 years: Filibuster everything to prevent the economy from recovering, wait for 2012, then ask why the economy is bad.

   FYI: We'll stop blaming Bush when you stop running on Bush's ideas!

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   what do we want? "a cure for obesity !" when do we want it? "after dinner!"

   I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.

   for fun put some pop rocks in the cats litter pan

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Spiderman isnt the only one that gets sticky hands after using the Web all day...... If you know what I mean ;)

   I hate when I'm at a restaurant, and they ask me, "Would you like a table?" , "No not all all, I came here to eat on the floor B!@tch!!!"....."Carpet for 3 Please!

   Hey baby you say you like it deep, hail Mary

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Cerebrospinal fluid (facebook asks what's on my mind)

   Women who are addicted to sex are called nymphomaniacs, men who are addicted to sex are called man

   Finally got a kiss at my favorite spot......Thanks Herseys!