Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.

   I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

   Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition.

   "It's not a contest." - losers

   The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.

   Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.

   i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.

   In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating

   First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination.

   i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

   Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you.

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.