Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   They say laughter is the best medicine, and there is no doctors here.

   I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   I want to run for president so I can make it legal to punch stupid people square in the face. I'll make punching stupid people my campaign.

   Hey South Park... How about another episode making fun of Mohammed?

   My boss told me 85,000,000 times today that I really need to stop exaggerating.

   I accept all kind of vice, except you, your the worst habit known to existence.

   What's worse than an animal living in your attic? Your ex-boyfriend!

   If people revolted and burned things every time Jesus was insulted then this world would be in ruins. So whats so special about this Prophet Mohammed idiot?

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   Man with athletic tongue make broad jump.

   If everything seems to be going well....... you have obviously overlooked something.

   be glad ur not a smurf....they have blue balls 24/7

   It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs"

   If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.