Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium

   Wait...you mean "Angry Birds" is NOT the Britcom Version of "The Golden Girls"?

   My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…

   dear fellow pranksters, if you are planning on pranking a telemarketer by answering with "i killed him" first make sure it is a telemarketer. sincerely, the one with a terrified grandmother

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   FOX NEWS....Rich people paying rich people to tell middle class people to blame poor people.

   I should be working at a spa...........cause I can give one heck of a facial!!!

   I'm no grammar Nazi, but I hate when a girl's period comes late

   I wish there was a ” like” button for texting.. so when I run out of things to say I can just ” like” their last txt and be done with it!!

   What's that movie where Joe Pesci plays the short tempered little tough guy?

   I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.

   Seeing a woman with a pretty face and a fat ass is like seeing an old man driving a sports car, what a waste of nice equipment.

   You know that reaction you get when you see a toilet that wasn't flushed? That's my face when someone orders bottled water at the bar.

   'It looks like the Hunter has become the Hunted" -Things I say to strangers when they find me in their car.

   Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

   Text me on whatsapp then call me when I ignore you and I'll start digging your grave.

   I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.

   I alway realise that they're crazy way too late in the game.