Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   Ironically, the kind of people who queue all night to buy an iPhone 5 have very few friends to call when they get it.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   How do you know when your pet rock dies?

   That's right, the iPhone 5 is now thinner and lighter, like the enslaved chinese worker since he started assembling it.

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.

   I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple sues Apple, because the iPhone 5 looks exactly like the previously release iPhone 4....

   This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes”

   i just saw snooki!!! oh wait it was Dani Da vito

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.

   Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."

   After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   drinking box wine, eating macaroni and watching p0rn

   I love cats! They taste just like chicken