Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!

   Why do we say, “good morning” when we wake up? You can't really be sure until noon.

   We all have that one friend we're trying to fatten up for the zombie apocalypse...

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   As far as distractions go ... I like to think I'm a good one.

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   I love when my husband plays terrorist, he knocks down my walls

   the difference between good and great in one word? Bacon...

   I still don't know what Google's "I'm feeling lucky" is about.

   This just in fromm CNN Prophet Mohammed seen eating a BLT on Rye ... More news at 11 back to you Bill

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   They say laughter is the best medicine, and there is no doctors here.

   I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   I want to run for president so I can make it legal to punch stupid people square in the face. I'll make punching stupid people my campaign.

   Hey South Park... How about another episode making fun of Mohammed?

   My boss told me 85,000,000 times today that I really need to stop exaggerating.

   I accept all kind of vice, except you, your the worst habit known to existence.

   What's worse than an animal living in your attic? Your ex-boyfriend!

   If people revolted and burned things every time Jesus was insulted then this world would be in ruins. So whats so special about this Prophet Mohammed idiot?