Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your girlfriend's existence is starting to piss me off.

   When I read that 9 of 10 forest fires are started by humans, what I really see is that somewhere there is a bear that knows how to use matches!

   I've been ignored by better.

   I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

   There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   A lot of the foreplay for morning sex starts way before the girl beside me wakes up.

   I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings.

   Hold still, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me.

   Totally cute guy checking me out at 3 o'clock. Oh wait, that's just my reflection.

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   You say premature ejaculation. I sa

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.

   My art teacher asked me to draw a chameleon... I submitted a blank page.

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   Here is a billion dollar idea - manufacture toilet paper with the Koran printed on it.

   Girl sneezes. I said 'bless you'. Hope that is a clear enough signal I'd like to take her out.

   wiping my ass with the Koran after taking the biggest dump of my life!