Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   if "nice guys finish last" then why do women go for the bad boys 1st?....dont you want a guy that lasts longer in the bedroom?

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.

   Facebook is now taking way too long to open pages and sh it!!! So the meltdown begins.

   our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side...

   have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?

   Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.