Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   "They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning.People only notice it because it's annoying.

   Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit no one will even talk to me