Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.

   A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

   I found a fruit roll up in my pocket today. Which means one of your kids has a banana flavored blunt wrap in their lunch box

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   when science teachers were gonna talk about "natural disasters" I thought they were gonna talk about relationships

   tell her she is worthless, that is something she will believe without whining about what you are saying.

   Tell her she's beautiful instead of hot. She's a woman, not a temperature

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   80% of people reading this will not find the the mistake in this A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   Life is a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.