Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut

   dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.

   Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing?

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.

   A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...