Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather be trapped under a train than to listen to a song by Train.

   I'm so horny, I could THINK off ...

   what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge.

   There's no 'i' in team.... Unless it's a team of Apple lawyers.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS...Its not!..It's about crabs.

   the new apple map is totally futuristic, its like what the world is gonna look like after 2012 apocalypse.

   it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   We've all met a child that makes us realize 'child abuse' began for a reason..

   got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like this gun is magic.

   I can explain the State of America in three words " Honey Boo Boo "

   there is no strong beer, only weak men

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.