Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.

   I knew a girl in college here nickname was T-Ball - if you got up, you would never strike out.

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   The new CBA for NFL refs is a win/win for us all, not only will we have professional refs, our footlockers will again be fully staffed!

   They named it ‘cunnilingus' because “sweetly savoring slippery succulent sexiness” was too long.

   Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!

   As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   Respect my lack of authority

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   I gave my friend the privacy he needed when talking to his girlfriend & now he's like "I could've died when you pushed me out of the car".

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.