Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.

   I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing

   "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!

   I can't even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

   there's that old saying that "you are what you eat" so for Halloween i'm thinking of passing out dum dum suckers to the neighborhood kids

   iPhone 5...still better than Twilight.

   Today...had to go to the doctor with ear problems....he looked in my ear and told me I had ear wax and needed to flush it (O_O) I told him...I wasnt putting my head in one of them things (o_O)

   The New iPhone5 is out.. It now fits up your a$$hole!

   Old lady in the blue track suit in front if me smells like garlic and moth balls. I would complain but I think she's a Crip!.

   I think the cinema should give you an extra "Previews Popcorn" when you buy a "Movie Popcorn"

   Chicken pot pie.... the three things I love the most

   Blind people dont skydive because it would scare the shit out of there dog

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   if she has big boobs she just wants to here she has a nice smile... if she has small boobs she doesn't matter

   every girl is like a master lock, if you use the right combination of attention, flattery, and vodka-cranberry her legs spring wide open whether she wants them to or not.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything