Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show me on this doll where the evil Monday touched you.

   have you ever noticed that Monday and Mundane sound almost the same? Coincidence? I think not!!!

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   I hate it when I don't know if you're joking or not.

   Let me use pain as an abrasive to polish your soul.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   if "nice guys finish last" then why do women go for the bad boys 1st?....dont you want a guy that lasts longer in the bedroom?

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.

   Facebook is now taking way too long to open pages and sh it!!! So the meltdown begins.

   our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side...

   have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?

   Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.