Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.

   Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   republican read the story of "robin hood" backwards...they want to steal from the poor & give to the rich

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   "They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.