Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the hell is a Honey Boo Boo? And can it get me high?

   My life is everything I don't tell you.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   P0rn always downloads too slowly when you really need it the most.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Caught an ugly couple kissing at Starbucks. So I interrupted & said, 'You're not planning on having kids, are ya? think ahead'

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'll never learn

   Too many men try to extinguish a woman's fire. If you feel her heat, don't bring water, bring gasoline.

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in..

   It's easier to look for one's inner beauty when the person isn't covered in ugliness.