Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   Respect my lack of authority

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   I gave my friend the privacy he needed when talking to his girlfriend & now he's like "I could've died when you pushed me out of the car".

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   ''If he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you.'' - Rihanna

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.

   Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.