Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.

   Eat s hit and live! - dung beetles

   You may have written me off, but I'll never be erased.

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.

   A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is alway a cop posing as a prostitute.

   Jealousy is such a waste of passion.

   All my ex wives shared the same name. "Plaintiff"

   They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head.

   Differance between my wife and a hooker is my wife costs more and does not leave after sex.

   We were too drunk to have thanks giving day in Australia. So we just praise every day after the invention of alcohol.

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.

   Threw a rock in the pond and heard your name... it sounded just like this "DOUCHE"

   "That's what" -She

   "if people say something BAD about you, JUDGE you as if they know you,don't easily get affected by this .Remember this, DOGS bark if they don't know the person"

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   When I bang my toe against something it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know