Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

   When it comes to gifts, never look Sarah Jessica Parker in the mouth.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   The only thing that's clear to me right now is Vodka.

   If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.

   If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   I love it when a beautiful woman is also intelligent. Makes spanking her ass bright red that much more rewarding for both of us.

   Love is when she throats you so deep she throws up on you, composes herself, then keeps going. She only regrets she had to stop for a moment.

   Finished watching The Little Mermaid with my daughter. I believe it taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with women if they can't talk.