Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.

   I know there's no such thing as evolution because if there was my Facebook page would've grown a "punch" button by now.

   Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!

   I may not be the biggest or longest lasting, but I'm the most appreciative!!

   Some Girls are as easy to get over as they were to get under... Just Sayin'

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!

   if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...

   Before you judge me,.. make sure your perfect!

   Don't feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness

   On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.