Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   In Honor Of Tonight's Debate, I Will Be Making "Obama Rolls".... They Consist Of A lot Of Hot Air, And Full Of Sh*t!

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   Evil. I see it. I hear it. I speak it. Your reactions are my entertainment.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   Being a loyal woman does not mean you have to be loyal to his bullshi t too.

   Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey

   Trying to figure out where in my relationship I went wrong that she stopped folding my underwear

   When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?