Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   U may hate me for being a sarcastic b!+ch, but I'm the one who gets exactly what I want while ur still whining about it... (^_^)

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   Kristen Stewart is back with Robert Pattinson. She said "I can't express how sorry I am" but that was referring to her facial expressions.

   My favourite "The Addams Family" character is probably Lady Gaga.

   I don't understand the fuss about Justin Bieber puking on stage. It's normal. It happens to me every time he comes on the radio.

   Hey girls who cut their hair really short, you must have gotten fed up from guys throwing themselves at you which is why you chose to do it.

   Call me crazy but when a baby won't stop crying I ask its mom to spread her legs and I try to gently shove it back in her.

   Fellaz; Kiss her like you OWN her. Chicks dig that.

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for lingerie is asking for a fitting room

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that s hit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

   September 24th was National Punctuation Day did you know this I didn't hear anything about it do we really need a day set aside for this

   Did you guys hear about the new "Exorcist" movie? A woman hires the Devil to pull a priest out of her son. BADA BING BADA BOOM

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Rihanna isn't the prettiest girl around but I'd hit it...

   Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.