Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   love just isn't enough to keep two people together. You need money too to finance that shingding.

   They say if she stayed by your side even when you broke her heart, then she is the one. I say she is the one alright, the one dumbass.

   Oh, you have an MBA from an online college? Please tell me how to fix our economy!!

   Sometimes I use unforgettable movie characters to inspire me. You know, like Ferris Bueller…

   if you're too lazy to get a photo ID maybe you shouldn't be voting anyway...

   Why does the DB at work with the least experience always think he has all the answers??

   I'm still kinda pi'ssed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street

   Your kid can't walk? Let's have a 5k, that'll make them feel better...

   What the hell is a Honey Boo Boo? And can it get me high?

   My life is everything I don't tell you.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   P0rn always downloads too slowly when you really need it the most.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Caught an ugly couple kissing at Starbucks. So I interrupted & said, 'You're not planning on having kids, are ya? think ahead'

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.