Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

   If you never felt up a passed out girl, your college experience scuked…

   I support g@y marriage simply because the divorce hearings will be epic!!!

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(

   How come only women get Fibromyalgia? Is it a make believe condition like PMS??

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.

   This girl just rolled her eyes so hard at me she opened a trans-dimensional vortex.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   If you love someone, screw their brains out on a daily basis, and letting them go will never become an issue.

   Your eyes look so pretty with my hand around your throat.

   When a woman says she likes stamina in a guy, she means over the course of years -- not hours.

   facebook is alot like that shi tty car you wanna get rid of because of all up keep and changing of parts but you keep it because it saves gas.

   What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred c*nts who don't do c*ck.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie?