Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went outside and I'm completely swarmed by jobs. All over me. Can't get them off.......Help

   If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....

   I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.

   If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

   What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned

   haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

   you can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you… *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*

   I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.

   SWAG : Some Wizards Are Gay - Albus Dumbledore

   Drake, Lil Wayne, and Nicki Minaj collaborating on a song together is like Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Aids teaming up to form a super STD

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..

   if you use "damn" as an adjective.... you might be a damn dumbass.

   Dont let your daughter wear makeup at 10, date at 12, wear provocative clothing at 14 and then wonder why she got pregnant at damn 16!!

   Lesson I Learned From My Kid #122: NEVER underestimate the rejuvenating powers of a spaghetti sauce facial/body scrub.