Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, I didn't use enough a$$hole repellent today.

   This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.

   Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   Relax... You'll only be sore for a few days.

   Nothing makes a guy clean his house faster than a woman saying "I'm on my way".....

   I wonder how many women refuse to date me because my hair is better than theirs.

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   If chickens knew how tasteless they are without herbs and spices, they'd kill themselves.

   Big mouths overcompensate for small minds.

   My happiness is sinful; my sadness is fruitful. My existence is questioned.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   Real Music died in the early 90's.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   As a man I accomplish 2 things well, 1. Fix things 2. Piss women off for trying to fix everything

   I just went outside and I'm completely swarmed by jobs. All over me. Can't get them off.......Help

   If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....

   I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.