Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching

   Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.

   I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   Are you stalking me? Cause that would be awesome!

   If you ever want an OUTSTANDING job/character reference, make sure you list someone that you KNOW hates your ass at your current employer. They'll be so happy to be rid of your ass nothing but good things will come out of their mouth.

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!

   has plenty of girls who can suck, he's looking for the one who can blow his mind