Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know it's hard to believe but one year ago today, it was Oct. 8th...

   You're hot, wet, extremely satisfying. You always put a smile on my face and you're the first thing I want in my mouth when I wake up. Ahhhh COFFEE!

   Why are the Mexicans the only people with the Cojones to name their kid's Jesus?

   soccer is way more fun to watch when you pretend the ref really wants to play but is too scared to touch the ball

   Sometimes I don't know whether I want a girlfriend...or a sandwich.

   The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "Is that for me?"

   A girl plays with your mind, A woman explores it.

   My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you're calling a child because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

   Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your minde. Feelings and emotions.

   Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg!

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   I really thought my business as a professional cat fight promoter would've taken off by now. Maybe I should use women instead of actual cats…

   Starbuck really isn't that expensive, compared to what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.