Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably

   I love how perfect you aren't.

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   John has 36 kit kat bars and He eats 30 of them. What does that leave John with?........................ Diabetus,, John has "The diabetus."

   M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?.... Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind a-holes texting while they drive.

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   What Birds always stick together? Velcrows

   What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   I must be a good driver. Some scraggly looking guy on the side of the road just gave me a thumbs up!

   love is like lottery numbers....gotta keep finding the crappy ones before you get the good ones

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   Cats do not make good pets. If you die, your cat will eat you…

   The Mich St/Indiana winner gets “The old brass spittoon”. I'm pretty sure Indiana lost on purpose…

   Whenever I see someone driving a Kia, I give them lots of room as I can tell they make poor decisions…

   "Yes, black guys. We feel you." - fat white girls

   Heard a song by Stevie Wonder on the radio. My wife said "I'd like to see Stevie". I replied "He would, too."

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.