Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   Stranger things have happened. Remember how Mary, Jesus's mother got pregnant without sex??

   I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.

   I may not be the guy you're looking for or the guy who you think you would fall in love with, but I deserve a chance to prove you wrong dammit!

   "I barely know you are you sure you want to have sex?" Things you will never hear a guy say

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.

   I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…

   If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal.

   No word from my date last night. I texted "We Might As Well Be Strangers" & "This Is The Last Time!" Hope I'm not coming across too Keane.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...

   Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!

   God I hate people who always bring God into everything.

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   some of you ladies think you're a hot mess but you're really just a mess...

   I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.. <3

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.