Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I don't know whether I want a girlfriend...or a sandwich.

   The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "Is that for me?"

   A girl plays with your mind, A woman explores it.

   My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you're calling a child because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

   Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your minde. Feelings and emotions.

   Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg!

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   I really thought my business as a professional cat fight promoter would've taken off by now. Maybe I should use women instead of actual cats…

   Starbuck really isn't that expensive, compared to what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   I will never ever take my Black ass cave exploring. I watched The Descent.

   Look, we can't all be part of the problem. Get your own thing.

   Scientists have developed a new drug for henpecked men. It's called Growacet…

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?