Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.

   This girl just rolled her eyes so hard at me she opened a trans-dimensional vortex.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   If you love someone, screw their brains out on a daily basis, and letting them go will never become an issue.

   Your eyes look so pretty with my hand around your throat.

   When a woman says she likes stamina in a guy, she means over the course of years -- not hours.

   facebook is alot like that shi tty car you wanna get rid of because of all up keep and changing of parts but you keep it because it saves gas.

   What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred c*nts who don't do c*ck.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie?

   They took cigarette ads of TV because it was bad for our nation's health. Sooo....why can't they do the same for political ads?

   I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China.

   I know it's hard to believe but one year ago today, it was Oct. 8th...

   You're hot, wet, extremely satisfying. You always put a smile on my face and you're the first thing I want in my mouth when I wake up. Ahhhh COFFEE!

   Why are the Mexicans the only people with the Cojones to name their kid's Jesus?

   soccer is way more fun to watch when you pretend the ref really wants to play but is too scared to touch the ball