Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   I think a lot better when my mind is blank!

   THE QUESTION ISN'T Who Won Debate? THE QUESTION IS Who Swallowed DE-BATE!

   Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.

   We were bored and pretended it was love.

   You win some, you booze some!

   Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?

   When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."

   The only good part about some people is forgetting them.

   October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   Stranger things have happened. Remember how Mary, Jesus's mother got pregnant without sex??

   I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.