Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   Anyone know how to get half a cat out of my car grill? Anyone???

   These gas prices are crazy,I'm tired of being Sandusky'd every time I fill up!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.

   I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.

   you remind me of monday. No one likes it either.

   I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm.

   My 1 year old is an absolutely terrible waitress. Food is everywhere and my beer is unopened.

   Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.

   Remember when I loved you unconditionally? Well the terms of that arrangement have changed.

   You know you've had a bad day when you die.

   I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.