Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new girlfriend is a cagefighter. They all are, for the first day or two.

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Your pal, Science.

   I hate it when women dress up on Halloween. It just reminds me of the times I wake up next to one of them after a good night out

   The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

   Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.

   Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily becau

   Make me sleep on the couch so I know our love is real.

   No matter how independent I am, I can never bang myself...So yes men, I still need you.

   So A-Rod was seen flirting with a female fan during Game 1 of the ALCS. If he hooks up with her, is Raul Ibañez gonna have to come in n finish hitting for him there too???

   Flip Flops are the Glass Slippers of the South

   I'm a bit concerned guys. This is a great place to escape, but you can't hide from Liam Neeson once he realizes you've been making fun of him.

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses.

   I'm not above pretending to be deaf in public to avoid unwanted human interaction.