Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man, I beat my meat like I just caught it breaking into my apartment.

   thinking about smashing my face through this screen and becoming Seal for Halloween

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   If you block me, don't be surprised if you look out your window to see me making out with your garden gnome.

   Ladies a real gentleman asks for your name not your number

   Don't you hate when you meet someone attractive as hell with the personality of a wall? -.-

   I think Biden would be a hell of a Walmart door greeter.

   Biden's teeth were so white last night, they're voting for Romney.

   I need ten well behaved cats and ten cat sized business suits.

   Those who say sex is not everything are usually not good at it anyways.

   One poll out this morning declares Bidens Dentist was the winner in last nights debate

   What kinda shoe do pedoophiles wear? White vans.

   Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.

   Magic Mike...50 Shades of Grey...I knew I should have bought stock in Duracell this year.

   10-11-12... Sooo Exciting... Not!!. I think we all know, the BIG day we're all really waiting for is in seventy days and counting... Be afraid. Be very afraid! Brohahaha!!.

   hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...

   That Mark Walberg must be a funny MF... He sure had Regis Philbin smiling up a storm on Antiques Roadshow tonight...

   my wife said I drink too much and don't exercise enough. So I stole her pedometer. Half mile so far from the living room to the fridge!