Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where do I find these Binders full of women..............

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   "tums" needs to change their product name....some ppl are dyslexic with heart burn & easy offended by reading SMUT on the bottles

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I never, ever pay attention to who unfriends me. But god does.

   All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!

   I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   legend has it that if you romance and violate me equally, i'll do anything you want. - Women

   Why can we only bet on horses, why can't we bet on two-bit hookers being chased by knife wielding rabbis? I'd bet on that shi t.

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.