Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   The fat jokes may be funny, but remember, sometimes the fatties slim up and then the jokes on you.

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   I make PMS jokes around women all the time just to know what it feels like to live dangerously.

   Hey guys with a sexy accent. I have a v@gina that would like to speak to your tongue.

   If you're a guy and you hit girls with anything other than your d ick you deserve to die.

   I want you to kiss me and just forget for a few moments that you aren't going to need therapy after I'm done with you.

   You're weird, sarcastic, narcisistic, rude and seem like a witch. My only question is, Are free for a date next weekend?

   R.I.P. Amanda Todd ..We will miss you . . <----------------

   Everyone deserves to be treated equally. It doesnt matter if your gay or black or a woman or normal.

   "I'M NOT RACIST, I DON'T LIKE BIDEN EITHER!!!"

   They should change wording on “check engine” light to “this shit's gonna cost ya

   Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react

   You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags

   girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..

   A kick in the nuts is above 9000 del (units) of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "f?ck you" to "whatever you say honey

   keep having a recurring dream. It's like the Family Guy giant chicken fight, but its Romney and big bird

   Thinking about opening a Vietnamese/Italian restaurant and naming it Pho, get about it.

   if money can't buy happiness why are homeless people so sad??