Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i had a sexy cashier tonight at the store....it was self check-out

   Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...

   Presidential debate #2 tomorrow.... Have you started drinking yet?

   Hey Target, it's Mid October, calm down on the xmas stuff!-Santa

   OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!

   If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

   Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...

   I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.

   Always make love with your eyes open, and never forget to use your tongue when you kiss.

   Went on a date and didn't look at my phone for 3 hours. Getting the wedding invites printed tomorrow.

   Waking up to a "damn you" text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad.

   I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.

   you look like one of those people who smoke pot but still look like they're going somewhere in life. I like that.

   I hope Walmart isn't out of winter white flipflops...

   I have tons of make up sex. That's where you make up stories about having sex right guys?

   I can't wait to get married, and yell "GET IN YOUR CAGE" to the woman I love.

   arnold schwarzenegger's new movie coming up and its called "Total snow-fall"

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   People love you if you can take them out of their comfort zone, comfortably.

   I have no problem with cesarean scars because ultra tight v@gina.