Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always proud of myself for being able to itch my ass with my own fart

   Hillary wears pantsuits because her balls would show in a dress!!

   if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!

   Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, "This year we should try Greece." His partner looks up and ask him. "Whts wrong with the Vaseline?"

   Don't tell me about the ghetto, Mr. I still have All 4 Hubcaps.

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisins in the world and throw them in the sea.

   (.)(.) + $$ = ( . )( . )

   Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like an ongoing series of slaps in the face with a sweaty sock.

   Letting someone with braces blow you is like a Saw movie to your p enis.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.

   Just a friendly reminder that the world supposedly ends in 74 days.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   Michelle Obama's motorcade escorts injured in Ohio Crash- Yahoo News Headline... Yahoo Dude!! You really need to work hard- CNN.

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.

   There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.

   The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.

   Why can't rappers rap about nice things? YEAH GIRL I'm GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHS AND ....... Give them to a homeless guy because he's cold

   A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"

   guess I shouldn't have pre-mixed my vodka and OJ. My kids went to school drunk today...

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you