Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NY Yankees salary.$195,998,004 Detroit Tigers salary. $119,276,000...... Saving $76,000,000 and still sweeping the Yankees....Priceless!!!

   Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today.

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

   My p3nis is just like an Elephants Trunk.... It's not big... I can just pick peanuts up with it

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   I'll admit. Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in