Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   There's always somebody else out there that will love you, but not if you're ugly.

   Never do I wish I were a pirate more than when sitting in traffic next to the beer truck.

   You can always tell if she's one of my ex's...By the stretch marks around her mouth!

   I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

   I shouldn't have to say I love you when it's obvious that my p enis adores you.

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   Lets just say fashion doesn't understand me.

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   If you can find the trash can in my kitchen without asking, I just assume you're a wizard.

   Honey I Shrunk The Kids And The Dog Has Worms So I Put The Kids In His Bum And Gave Them Knives To Go Worm Hunting

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   There's no premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??