Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   I bet Nicolas Cage smells like birds.

   Quick, have sex with me, I'll explain later.

   What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

   You just join FB 10 minutes ago and I'm the first person you send a friend request to when I don't even know you. STALKER ALERT NOW ON!

   Its sad that while half the world is starving, the other half is stuffing itself obesse like its getting read for hibernation. You should be ashamed of yourselves you fat asses out there.

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   ■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.

   9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate

   Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back

   when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is