Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   I wonder if correcting someone's spelling ever got anyone laid?

   The sexual frustration at this church bake sale is palpable.

   My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.

   I hope my kids never ask to me to explain why Simpsons p0rn exists.

   When a status starts out with “I seen”, it never ends with “in a book I once read.”

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   The guy who came up with the spelling of the word Wednesday was probably the same lame ass who showed up to the party on time.

   Life is too valuable to hold grudges. Forgive and move on

   Next time you're depressed just imagine Kristen Stewart on a swing.

   The only thing you accomplish by getting all riled up is producing entertainment for others.

   I'm the type of person that gets distracted by the race between the grey & red bars on Youtube, and forgets about the video.

   Quitting whilst you're ahead is all very well until it comes to sex.

   In video games I always get killed by the black zombies, and I can't shoot 'em because of the r acism thing.

   It's not stalking if she doesn't know

   How women see word problems If Dan buys 6 pears, 4 apples & 5 oranges. How many women did that son of a b itch check out while he was there?

   Boy, they don't like when you go up for seconds at church.