Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien spaceship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe Flash Player.

   my biggest pet peeve is these morons who can't type words correctly or know how to use punctuation. Scense is not a word and when in the English language do you ever use ,,,,,,,,?

   Of course Russia was evil,,, They sent a dog up into space,,,,,, Everyone Knows that dogs HATE vacuums

   Titties without nipples would be pointless!!

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Hey Emo girl,,,,, what if you got a bunch of eyebrow rings,,, and put up little curtains over your eyes,,,,,, I bet you could really sleep better then

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts.

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   Common scence is knowing the chocolate bar I left in my work truck all day would be a melted mess. Starvation would be eating it anyways.

   I'm cleaning out my car today, in case anyone needs 27 half-empty bottles of water.

   I'm think that this Halloween I'm going to scare everyone I know by texting them “We need to talk.”

   When I was a kid I use to change costumes a few times and revisit houses to get more candy.

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   if you call yourself "world renowned", guess what? You aren't...