Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you start telling people lies, make sure they don't already know the truth. Lest you make a fool of yourself.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.

   My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

   I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

   hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   Leon: Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life..

   It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.