Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hurricane Sandy is Mother Nature's way of preventing another MTV Jersey Shore cast from happening. She's had enough!!!

   Am I the only one that uses the calculator on a cellphone to find out the best deal on beer by calculating the "cost/per ounce" ratio?

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   I hope everyone's fridge gets knocked out in the storm. Bama voters will be in line for new food-stamps instead of voting.

   this just in: Quiting smoking increases your lifespan. Also, beer is delicious!

   I mowed my own lawn today and my amigo, Jorge, Won't speak to me now...

   So that is how the season finally of Jersey shore will end...A blow job from sandy!!!

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   I think I just seen my breath outside and I ain't blowing smoke...

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   You know your ass is getting big when it's cold and you have to use BOTH seat warmers in your car...

   Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tommorrow. Sandy

   Roger Clemens is coming back to baseball at age 50. Proof that if you work hard and live right you'll lose your roster spot to Clemens.

   Soon Hurricane Sandy will be like Snookie... blowing the entire east coast.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   The only thing missing from a guy that goes home alone from the bar every night is confidence.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.