Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another NBA season...and Chris Bosh is still ugly.

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   I'm happier than a busload of f@t ladies on the way to a Bon Jovi concert.

   I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And after all this time no less. I wasn't ignoring you, you simply don't matter that much anymore. Please forgive me, yet my feelings will remain unchanged, Myspace phone app.

   If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

   I`m gonna dress up like Sandy for Halloween, think that costume will blow people away!

   Be safe, New Yorkers. Stay away from large sugary drinks and stuff.

   If he makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, says hes sorry, makes an effort, holds your hand, attempts to understand you. Hes totally cheating on you.

   I'm allowed to punch obnoxious girls since I'm g@y, right?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   I believe she prefers to be called Hurricane Sandra, until she blows you then you may call her Sandy.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   I passed out on the sidewalk, because a jeep full of douchebags, wearing too much Axe Body spray just went by.

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!