Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love you.... and your weed.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!

   wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.

   That sense of entitlement, where do I get one of those?

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   If crazy were a place, it would be here.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I bite my own lip because I can't bite yours.

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.