Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween is the only day out of the year you can have a white van full of little kids and not have your motives questioned.

   Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...

   with friends like these..who needs enemas?

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.

   This year for Halloween, New Jersey is dressing up like New Orleans.

   You Know You Are Too Drunk to Go Trick-or-treating:...When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over... When the door opens, you yell "Trick or...." and you can't remember the rest...

   Obama standing next to Chris Christie. They looked like the number 10.

   Any kids dressed as Obama, who have worked real hard and have a bunch of candy, will be required to give it to me, cause I had rather have took a nap instead of collecting my own candy. Thank you!

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ Cause this is Thriiiiiiilleeeeeeer

   mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.

   Finally - there is going to be a Disney Princess dad's won't have to be ashamed to admit they like... Princess Liea.

   Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.

   Gangnam Style is a clear example that Americans don't give a crap about lyrics

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   Just remember when you are handing kids candy for coming to your door that you may be creating a future Jehovah's Witness.

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.