Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.

   It's a good thing my bed can't file a restraining order.

   Hey idiots who worship celebrities; if they had to shoot you or their dog, they'd also chop you up and watch the dog eat you.

   I don't think Lance Armstrong took steroids. He doesn't have the balls to do such a thing.

   How much cooler would it have been if Apple made Mini-Me introduce the iPad mini?

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   If Jessica Simpson doesn't name one of her kids "Homer", then seriously what's the point?

   Just watched 5 minutes of Glee and now I get call from some spa to confirm my manicure and pedi appointment

   I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn't.

   Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

   Did you know some female spiders eat the male spider after mating? She's like "Ya sure I'll have your babies and you for dinner"

   A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   Haven't shaved for so long I'm now the proud owner of a furgina!

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   Survival tip: always carry at least one banana peel cause you never know when you'll be chased by some criminal.

   Justin Bieber is the crocs of the music industry. People claim they hate it but the company is doing really well so some of you must be lying!

   Bees are the original suicide bombers.

   I spend 90% of my day either eating or thinking about my next meal.