Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If love were truly blind people wouldn't be so damn picky.

   Getting my survival kit ready for 12-21-12. So does the garlic necklace work against Zombies or is it only effective against Vampires and Mormons.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   a few more days! and all the "political" animals will go back to hibernation for another 4 years and we will have you our sit3 back!

   Halo 4 comes out on election day? I hope my wife tells me who won the election....i'll be busy for the next week or so!

   Women that cheat on their man with his best friend are the sluts of the earth.

   F*ck daylight savings man! We're in the phase where there is no excuse for being late today.

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:

   When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

   Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k

   Girls, it's not pretty being easy.

   B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.

   Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

   Why do brides wear white? So they match the other kitchen appliances.

   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

   Febreeze should make mouthwash

   Just got 3 robocalls in a row from the Romney campaign...each different reflecting 2008, 2010 and 2012 Romney.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.