Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.

   The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself

   At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it.

   I just bought the new vi@gra flavor ice cream...its been 4 hours and it still hasn't melted...

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   it's always better to be the crop duster than the dusted crop!

   I wonder if teachers play the “who's a virgin” game in their heads in class.

   Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

   the wrong brother got fired...

   The Lakers fired Mike Brown They should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see Dwight Howards face.

   Love is trusting someone around your butt-hole.

   I came I saw I did not take it in the ass.

   When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”

   Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.