Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day,.....whatever...i am thankful for Mexican food,adult diapers, internet porn, and Kleenex

   Hey Gen. Petraeus, look on the bright side. At least she was prettier than Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter and Schwarzenegger's maid combined...

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.

   WARNING! if you get a mail where it says "go to hell", DON'T do it!! It's a fake mail! It's really hot down there and people are pissed

   You're damn straight I'm jealous! I'm buying a cage and putting you in it. No more seeing other cats.

   I just saw a kid wearing crocs. Wow if you hate your kid that much just put him up for adoption you don't have to make him suffer like that.

   The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.

   Nothing says you will be in a bad mood all day like not having enough sleep. And by "not having enough sleep" I mean getting out of bed.

   I think about you all day & I can't wait to sleep at night just to see you in the morning. This is how I know our love is real, food.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   The only person who thinks I'm amazing just the way I am is Bruno Mars :(

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.

   Breaking: Elmo taking over as the "special teams" coach at Penn. State!

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.

   Girls who say " A lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in company fridge. Today I had a prawn sandwich named Kevin.

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever