Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.

   I'm skipping The Big Bang Theory tonight because I didn't do the previous episode's homework assignment.

   Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   I blocked Taylor Swift but her songs still play on my radio.

   Of course Jesus saves. He's J ewish.

   The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.

   Slugs Are Just Homeless Snails.!

   What is it about Walmart that attracts so many damn wierdos - oh wait i'm here too

   Nothing screams self conceited little b itch like opening a second Facebook account because you have reached maximum number of friends when you are not even a celebrity.

   Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"

   When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.

   I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit

   Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME

   Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

   There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients

   I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday