Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   You Mexican people and your crazy customs, what does a sink full of mayonnaise have to do with independence?

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   I was at church when the devil tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, "Aren't you scared?" I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I go, "I'm married to your sister."

   I think the hives on my arm are trying to start a bluegrass band.

   It'd be pretty mind blowing if a cyclops had two buttholes.

   I just had to explain hobbits to another human being; I am outraged.