Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gaining weight and growing a beard counts as multi-tasking right?

   I flexed my muscles at this girl and my shirt ripped. Yeah, her boyfriend ripped it while he was kicking my ass.

   Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canadian :)

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   You'll know it's real if I still love you when I'm sober!

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two damn high.

   Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.

   I wear a mouth guard to bed, you probably shouldn't mess with me.

   I'm Thankful you all are neglecting your families to keep me entertained here!

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   Facebook is not a shower, so keep your clothes on ho!

   This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adult table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   'tis the season to get trampled fa la la la la la la la la

   Empty your wine glass, stuff your turkey's. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

   thankful my kids taught me how to Copy and Paste...

   Whether you celebrate Wanksgiving, Yanksgiving, or Spanksgiving be thankful for your hand.

   Happy Thanksgiving ya'll! Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead

   Today is the American Thanksgiving or as we in Canada like to call it...Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving you funny people...