Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   You know you're an adult when the prize at the bottom of a cerealnbox is regular bowel movements

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

   Don't send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.

   Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.

   It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate...

   30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."

   The moment when your sense of smell kicks in is the exact same time that hearing the dog fart stops being funny.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.