Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure you could complain there's another Twilight movie out right now. OR you could celebrate that there'll never be another.

   I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to

   Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.

   You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Since the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the yr & it's called "black Friday" & the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest bar nite of the yr I'm declaring it "black out Wednesday"

   I often worry that mankind is going to start world war III solely because we enjoy trilogies

   wondering why hump day can't ever be as good as it sounds!!

   I'm not doing the 'Black Friday' thing this year. Last year... it was so crowded... I walk out of Walmart with someone else's shoes on...

   Now that we have a cease fire in Gaza, I wish Obama would send Clinton to work on the Hostess/Twinkie mess....

   To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my pennis and asked me what was I doing.....Apparently, "heating your dinner!" was not a good answer!

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day....

   the best way to get laid by a Red Lobster waitress is to tell her your the manager at Long John silvers.

   I always worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.

   Did anyone see Anderson Cooper reporting the news live from the heart of raining missles in Gaza. He looked so brave crouching behind the wall of his hotel balcony with his extra white hair....

   I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again.