Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are playing too much scrabble when you try to use the cursor to change channels on the TV. I thought the darn batteries were used up.

   realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.

   says Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks GOP Congress

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks Obama.

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

   Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.

   A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.

   I miss when a girl hit you it meant she liked you and you chased her around the playground. Now when she hits you, it's with her car.

   Women need to stop acting like their body isn't a man's property.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue?

   You had me at: I have an office door that locks and a desk that's perfectly waist height.

   I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   There's a lot of people in the world pretending they don't know who I am.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait