Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   I get really excited when scrolling through the channel guide and see "Beverly Hills" out of the corner of my eye, then I notice it's 90210 instead of Beverly Hills Cop.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Ready, Set, Weekend !

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   To err is human... To not know what err means is American.