Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   People who live in Orlando that go to Disney World are more ret@rded than New Yorkers who visit the Statue Of Liberty.

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   I've been in this str!p club for days. No windows, no clocks. The only way I know it's daytime right now is because the dancers on this shift are seriously u6ly.

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   Black Friday: Where one day after giving thanks for what we have, we trample each other to buy what we don't.

   That's because women like you are built like the Grand Canyon! (to the post below)

   Every f'n idiot with Instagram now thinks they are a photographer. Knock it off.... You look like a tool.

   Wait. No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair? Now how am I supposed to kill myself??

   if Satruday is Small Business Saturday, then black Friday is Fortune 500 Friday!!

   If you believe beating your meat is evil, but beating your wife is ok, you just might just be from a red state.

   If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.

   How are there still millions of bald men in this country when there is an abondance of permanent markers?

   I don't need a safe word because socks don't have ears.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.

   Okay. I've noticed you. Now go away.

   My timeline hates your drama.

   No matter where I hide the chocolates, I always seem to find them.