Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The nicer you are, the easier it is for you to get hurt

   EX means ..'' thanks for the EXperience , your time has EXpired , now EXit in my life . !

   Having sex doesn't make you a s?ut, and being a virgin doesn't make you a saint.

   Never ask a cheater if they cheat. They'll cheat on that question too!

   I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D

   My back is not a voicemail, say it to my face.

   facebook is not a shower, keep your clothes on!

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?

   Talked to this pimp today and he was pissed. I said why are you mad? he said I got to provide health insurance for my hos cuz I got more than 50 employed.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

   I wish I could participate in The Hunger Games against everyone I unfriended on Facebook!

   never ever going to drink again! That was 8 hours ago!! Cheers :)

   Sunday, my day of rest...Rest of the leftover booze!!!!