Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best Relationship: Talk like bestfriends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

   Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   I feel dirty every time I click on a page and get an "internal server error." I feel like I should have been wearing protection.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   If you're always gossiping and lying, you're a power seeker.

   I wonder if Woody and Buzz have ever met any of Andy's Mom's toys. They probably have the same names.

   I want a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that say "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   As a kid I remember my dad taking us to a hill and rolling us down in tires. Them were Good Years

   I am confused did Roethlisberger hurt his arm playing football or rap!ng somebody?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.