Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   The main thing I've discovered about facebook is...there are lots of b0ring people out there.

   Bed good outside bad!

   It's Cyber Sex Monday :)

   The Long Island Medium shoulda been able to find victims of Sandy way easier than the corpse sniffin dogs

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   the worst part of being naked is not having pockets

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.

   eating some thanksgiving pie still with some cooh whip...cant have pie without cooh whip

   I wish I loved anything as much as drunk girls love taking pictures.

   Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.

   Hate mondays, annoy tuesdays, ignore wednesdays, smile thursdays, love fridays, enjoy saturdays, damn sundays.

   My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

   You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.

   One day you're the main suspect.....the next you're not even a person of interest.