Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees. I thought she was joking....and then I saw her face.....

   My daughter just told me when she grows up she wants to live in Kentucky and grow a whole field of ham... My God.

   John Gruden took my 4th grade picture to his Great Clips stylist.

   sometimes instead of poking you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend".

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…

   everybody..we all just need to chip in and buy195,249,054 powerball tickets that has every single number combination and we win.

   All I'm saying is if I lost my arm in a light saber battle, my robot replacement arm better vibrate.

   Women are like headphones, you get a lot of static if you put it in the wrong hole.

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account

   How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.

   I followed my heart and now I have multiple restraining orders. B itches..

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...