Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   ''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

   my wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she's bluffing...

   The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs...

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now...

   Wife asked me if I liked Cranberry for Thanksgiving, I said that depends on what you serve it with. She said Turkey and Gravy? I said no silly, VODKA....!!! If looks could kill....

   I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   rubbing cats against ballons and then attatching them to walls

   I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??