Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...

   We all have that family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.

   When I was a kid I wrote to Santa Clause to "please send me a baby brother",,,,,,Santa wrote back "send me your mother"!

   Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights

   I like to begin every conversation with taking my pants off.

   You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   Let's fall in love with each other but end up marrying other people.

   That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there is Xbox.

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....